Why 'Last Christmas' Is the Worst Christmas Song Eve

By Larry Billinger

Buckle up, dear readers, for we are about to embark on a festive journey through the wretched wilderness of Wham!’s “Last Christmas.” This song, a puzzling staple of holiday music, is a jarring juxtaposition against the backdrop of joyful carols and cheerful melodies that define the season. Prepare for an in-depth analysis, peppered with a touch of whimsy and a dash of hyperbole, as we unravel why this tune may be the worst Christmas song of all time.

A Melodic Misfortune

Let’s start with the melody—oh, the melody! If Christmas had a soundtrack designed by a Scrooge-like figure, hell-bent on dampening the holiday spirit, “Last Christmas” would be its leading track. The tune, repetitive and monotonous, mimics the endless loop of a broken ornament spinning aimlessly in the winter wind. It’s as if the song was composed during a snowstorm, with the cold seeping into its very notes, chilling the listener’s soul rather than warming it.

Lyrical Lamentations

The lyrics, where do we even begin? “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away.” Such sorrow, such despair—on Christmas, no less! Instead of evoking images of mistletoe and holly, we are dragged into the abyss of a holiday heartbreak, a narrative more befitting a tragic opera than a yuletide jingle. Each verse unfolds like an unwanted advent calendar, revealing daily doses of gloom and melancholy.

Vocals of Vexation

Now, let’s address the vocals, which fluctuate between the woeful whines of a lovesick elf and the desperate cries of a reindeer caught in a blizzard. The execution is so profoundly dramatic that one might confuse “Last Christmas” for a theatrical performance of holiday despair. It’s as though George Michael was trying to channel the ghost of Christmas past, but instead, he summoned the spirit of romantic ruin.

Repetitive Radiowaves

The true horror of “Last Christmas,” however, lies in its inescapable presence. Like an overcooked holiday ham, it appears on every radio station, in every store, and at every party, haunting listeners with its sorrowful refrain. The song spreads like tinsel on a tree, wrapping itself around the holiday season and squeezing tighter with each passing note. One can only speculate that this widespread play is the result of a secret pact between radio stations and the ghost of Christmas sarcasm.

A Mismatched Mistletoe

Lastly, the connection—or lack thereof—between “Last Christmas” and the actual spirit of Christmas is as tenuous as the string lights after being stored away for a year. Apart from the fleeting mention of the holiday, there’s little to tie this song to the season of giving, joy, and peace. It’s like receiving a Valentine’s Day card on Halloween; it simply doesn’t fit.

In conclusion, “Last Christmas” by Wham! may well be the antithesis of holiday cheer, a song that, for reasons unbeknownst to man, has infiltrated the sacred playlist of Christmas classics. As we endure its annual resurgence, let us cling to the hope that maybe, just maybe, this year will be the last we have to suffer its melancholic melody.